13.02.2012
Tomorrow is my day off.
Yay. I have the whole day that is dedicated to love
to reflect upon how I`m not loved by a man.
My psychologist says I need to quit drinking or she can no longer see me.
That`s not happening.
I figure I`ll just omit that fact from our sessions.
I also have to help my parents move.
Which I deeply resent because not only is it my day off,
but I am now their caretaker.
I may also be getting a second job at a travel agency,
so that`s a thing.
Also.
I see that your film is being released.
I was not invited to attend,
which is fair.
I didn`t plan on going anyway,
but you know.
I felt sick to my stomach when I realized this.
It just hurts.
To put yourself out there.
To feel as if you are cared for,
and then have it taken away.
It happens to me all the time,
so clearly I have a flaw.
I just don`t know how to fix it,
or even what it is.
I`m thinking that I need to give the person I am today
away.
I`m thinking that I need to become someone better.
Someone who cannot confuse lust with love.
Someone who is not lost within themselves.
Someone who is frighteningly vulnerable from the start,
because sometimes I think I hide that too well,
and it just gets me into trouble.
